What it Means to Burn

As I sit here typing this first blog post, I have no idea what I might actually have to say. Only that right now in my life I am at the point of a major change in my life-again.

Funny how we make so many changes in our lives everyday and we never realize it, how many times we change our minds and change them again until suddenly one day we wake up and either love the life that we have built or absolutely hate it.

I've definitely been at the later one of those which is what brought me to this point in my life. I woke up one day, sat on the toilet and started talking to God. I just didn't expect an actual answer back the way I got it that morning. Just a clear knowing and voice that wasn't mine asking me to do something about it.... and start loving myself.

Well, 7 years later here I am and I can say with certainty and absolution that I love myself wholly and completely. I have honored and cherished myself, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer and 'til death. I know a lot of people say that, and I am sure that they to an extent believe it. However, I think that it is very few people who can sit with themselves through what feels like actually death and love themselves through it without completely losing their shit.

Trust me, there many times I thought I was going to break, snap and completely lose myself in the midst of the extreme state I was in last after facing 2 years of back to back non-stop stress. After a year of living in a mentally abusive and toxic relationship that ended with me being stalked for almost a year to then face a year without work, facing homelessness, resorting to one meal a day or less so my kids could eat and then being attacked and assaulted when I finally did find a job.... my body, mind and soul had just about all that it could take and I experienced what some call Functional Freeze.

For me it was like entering into the gates of Hell with no real way to find an exit. I still to this day can't fully express the mental turmoil I was in all while trying to maintain emotional and financial security and stability for my kids, looking for work and trying to stay positive. I thought I was doing pretty good considering, but I was lying to myself. My youngest said it best when he said that I had become a shell of myself.

In some ways I am still, but that is what theSacred is about for me. This is a love letter to myself and higher self for all the hours that were spent in compassionate patience as I allow myself to heal. This is what it means to burn.... and then become anew.